Desire for Porkrind
by slinko
Summary: Kakasaku random drabbles of unlimited spooky doomlike stupidity! This seems to be the only Kakasaku humor fic that I can find......why is this? Do peoples not like stupidity? How very strange.
1. Just a Peek

**This fic needed to be done. it just needed to be.**

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Sakura, Naruto, Sasuke, and Kakashi had been on a mission. I don't know what the mission was. Don't ask me. But apparently it was a really long one, and it was lasting a few days. Currently, it was night and all four of the ninjas were sleeping.

Except for the one that wasn't actually sleeping and was only mimicking sleep. Sakura.

She was trying to get to sleep. She knew that she would need that energy int the morning, but she was wide awake. She laid there for a little while and then decided to give up. Sakura turned her head to the sky and began to entertain herself by counting the stars.

It didn't go to well. She continuosly lost count and counted stars twice many times. Eventually, she gave up on the as well, and her eyes drifted to her fellow nin's. Naruto...sasuke...Kakashi...

And then, it hit her.

This was the ideal time! This was the only time when she could both see Kakashi-sensei's face AND get a peek at 'Icha Icha'. And anyways, how could one little peek at his face hurt? Just one little peek...

Sakura slowly crept over to the motionless figure of her sensei. Well, to tell the truth, he wasn't exactly _motionless_. I mean, breathing DOES count as motion right? oh, i'm getting off topic. GODDAMNIT! MY RIGHT SHOULDER HURTS AGAIN!

Sakuras hands slowly reached at her senseis book. She picked it up ever so quietly, and began to open it.

She read a few sentances.

And then she felt like barfing. Icha Icha was even worse than she had imagined.

Sakura shook the horrible images of Icha Icha out of her head and turned to her senseis face.

Well, more like lack of face. Wait...no...um...well, the point is that she turned to kakashi.

Sakura's hands crept up to his face and began to slowly pull his mask down. She was expecting to see the most handsome amazingly good-looking face that she ever saw in her entire life. My right shoulder still hurts.

Sakura did not get what she wanted. Kakashi had woken up just as she began to pull it down. Kakashi jumped to his feet and pointed an accusing finger at her.

"A-HA! CAUGHT YOU! I KNEW IT! I knew that I couldn't keep this mask on forever! Damn those kids! Damn them! These are MY lucky charms!!! MINE!" screamed kakashi. Strangly enough, Naruto and Sasuke did not hear him. Maybe it was because they had been dragged off by crazy natives.

Sakura backed away from him.

"K..Kakashi sensei...?" she mumbled. Kakashi smirked underneath his mask.

"Well, my darling cheery-blossom, if you want to see my face THAT badly...THEN FINE! TAKE A GOOD LOOK!!!" screamed Kakashi, and he pulled his mask down.

What sakura saw, was not what she was expecting.

Sakura saw thgat kakashi sensei was anything BUT normal. For example, HIS TEETH WERE POINTED!!!! and HE HAD SCALES!!! and HA HAD A FORKED TONGUE!!! and yeah.

Sakura gasped. And, for once in her life, she was speechless. Kakashi smirked.

"Oh course, THIS ISN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU IS IT?!?!?! HOW ABOUT THIS THEN?!?!?" shouted kakashi, and at one, he grew a tail, sprouted wings, and basically turned into some kind of demon-dragon-sensei-thing.

"YES SAKURA! IT'S TRUE! I AM THE ONE THAT THEY CALL BILL CILNTON! ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO SOY?! ANSWER THE QUESTION GODDAMNIT!" he screamed. Sakura's eyes widened. what was going on?!

Tears began to pour down her cheeks. She didn't know what to do. what had happened to Kakashi snesei?!

Kakashi licked his demonic lips.

"I want to eat you." he said.

He ate her.

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**It needed to be done. It just needed to be. **


	2. Dead in your arms

**here i go again...**

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There...lying in a pool of blood...was Sakura Haruno...She had been ambushed by a squad of sound village ninjas and beaten half to death. She looked up into the sky praying that she would live through this. But, she knew that she wouldn't be able to. Unless somebody saved her. 

And then somebody came to save her. She squinted her eyes to try and see who it was, but everything was out of focus. The dude who came picked her up, and ran her to the nearest hospital.

A few hours later, Sakura woke up and saw some doctor shoving a shot at her arm.

"HOLY GINNY KISSING HARRYS!" she screamed, " What happened?!?"

The doctor chortled. God, isn't that a funny word? chortle. chortle. chortle.

"Well, you got the livng crap beaten out of you." said the doctor. But the doctor was gay, so what did he know? No offense reveiwers. Cuz i know that all of you are gay. Espesically obeythesnarf.

"Oh...who rescued me...?" asked sakura. She had a sneeking suspision that it was Billy Crystal who had rescued her.

"Your sensei did. He has a really wierd haircut y'know?" the doctor explained.

"Kakashi...? DUDE! I...I...I ate some toast yesterday..." She said in a weak dying sort of voice. The doctor gasped. She was worse off than he thought!!! He quickly ran out of the room to go get her...um..._friends._

"Hey! You losers! Sakuras dying in there!!!" yelled the doctor. Naruto, Sasuke, Kakashi, Ino, and Brave comrade Napoleon ( the gay pig) all ran into the room that she was in.

"Hey Sakura! I hear that you're dying! Can I have your ramen?" Asked Naruto obnoxiosly. Sakura sat up and smacked him in the face.

"BASTARD!" she yelled, and then she went back to dying. Naruto frowned and left. All he wanted was her ramen.

"S...sas...sasuke...c-come closer..." she whispered. Sasuke stepped forward.

"What is it Sakura? Are you dying?" he asked.

"No duh. Of course i'm dying. But anyways...i...i'll...i'll miss you sauske...ki...kill your brother...for...for me...!!!" she mumbled. Sasuke noded and left, crying. And then, Ino went up to her.

"I...Ino...you...you're a BITCH!!!" she screamed and she beat Inos head in. Ino died and her body was buried under a highway along with Hidan. And then BRAVE Comrade Napoleon walked up to her.

"Oh sakura! You were a good human and a great friend!" sobbed brave comrade napoleon, " I'll miss you soooo much..."

Sakura smiled weakly.

" I'll miss you too brave comrad Napoloeon...i'll miss you...soo...much..." she whispered, "now...go become a good...dic...ta...tor..."

Brave comrade napoloen cried and ran away. The next, and last, person, was her old sensei.

Kakashi Hatake.

" Sakura...You might never open your eyes again after this...so I need to tell you something." he said.

"what...?" she asked.

"I love you."

"HOLY SHT NO WAI! I LOVE YOU TOO!" she screamed. Kakashi smiled.

"REALLY?!" he asked.

"YEAH! LETS MAKE-OUT!"

"OKAY!"

And then, Kakashi removed his mask, and they embraced eachother in a warm passionate kiss.

And then, Sakura died in his arms.

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**well, it was ALMOST serious.**


	3. do you love me?

**hi there everybody! Hows ya'll doin' eh? I moveded to the arizona part of the forest and it sucks here. So to remedy this I will be writting more of DESIRE FOR PORKRIND!!!

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Sakura was running about her house and screaming. She was like...i dunno...25 i guess and she was married to Kakashi. I dunno how old that makes him but yeah. That dosen't really matter does it? But anyways...

Sakura ran over to kakashi whom was polishing a bloody knife and mumbling to himself. Sakura found this to be normal (which it was) and batted the knife out of his hands. Kakashi frowned.

"sakura-poo! I was sharpening that! I wanted to kill Naruto! She's (no that's not a typo) been annoying me all week with her girl-scout muffins!" Kakashi pouted. Sakura rolled her eyes and jumped up onto his shoulders.

"DO YOU LOVE ME KAKASHI?! Do you? Because i need to know now! Because I love you! I would do anything! Would you mind if we had 73 kids all at the same time?! BECAUSE I WOULDN'T! I WOULDN'T MIND AT ALL! WOULD YOU? HUH?! HUH?! HUH?!" she screamed in his face. Kakashis eye widened.

"73 kids? Nah I don't mind. BUT HOLY CRAP I LEFT THE OVEN ON! And I want one of the boys to be named Obito and one of them to be named kakashi Jr. and one of them to be named Jhonny and one of them to be named Corn and one of them to be named Arnold and one of them to be named Jay and one of them to be named Jhonen and one of them to be name Julius and one of them to be named Voldemort and one of them to be named Caps-lock." he said joyfully.

Sakura frowned.

"They're all girls."

Kakshi commited suicide. :)


	4. grocery shopping

**Oh my god, i FINALLY got the bold to work. (dances)**

**disclaimer: i own some corn. But not naruto :(**

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Kakashi and Sakura were out grocery shopping because they were out of food due to kakashi inviting Shukaku over to play poker again. Sakura ran over to a box of chocolate bombs and threw them in the cart. Kakashi looked at them.

"What are you? a litte kid?" he asked. Sakura frowned.

"i like chocolate bombs. So what?" she said. Kakashi rolled his eyes.

They walked over to the meat section.

"Do we need any meats?" asked kakashi.

"ham! and lots of it!" sakura said.

And so they bought a truckload of ham. But everybody knows that you can't have ham without mustard.

So they bought a boat full of Mmys classic mustard.

When they got home, sakura began to unload the mustard.

"KAKASHI! help me with this mustard." she ordered. Kakashi stopped playing "see how long it takes for an egg to explode in the microwave" and helped sakura with the mustard.

"We should freeze it for storage." kakashi pointed out. Sakura nodded.

"Yeah."

So they stored their mustard in antartica.


	5. bologna sammich

**Moop poop. lerfenargie.**

**disclaimer: TOBI?!? EVIL?!?!!! WHAT IS THIS WORD COMING TO?!?**

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Naruto and Sasuke where sitting in a tree. Sasuke liked trees. So did Naruto. Shino was there too, but nobody pays any attention to him so yeah. Anyways. naruto, sauske, and Shino where spying on kakashi. They were determined to figure out where he kept on getting all those muffins he was seen eating lately. However, they eventually forgot about that and just started to sit in the tree and do nothing. 

"Hey Sauske." naruto said, "why are we sitting in a tree with Shino?"

"Shut up Naruto. I'm busy." Sasuke said. Naruto frowned.

"Doing what?"

"Vegetating." he replied.

"HEY! what are you three doing in my tree?!" Kakshi yelled from down on the ground.

"VEGATATING!" sasuke screamed, falling out of the tree and landing on kakashi.

"oof." kakshi oofed.

"merf." sauske mumbled, walking back up the tree. Naruto stuck his tongue out at Kakashi.

"we're spying on you!!!" he said. Kakashi rolled his eyes.

"can't you three even ANNOY me properly?" he asked. Naruto and Sasuke looked at eachother. Shino just kinda sat there.

"shut up you stupid perverted piece of loaf!!" Sasuke spat. Naruto gasped.

"Sasuke...you are SO doomed." he said, and him and Shino flew away.

"I'm gonna skin you alive Biotch!!!" kakashi yelled, and he lunged at sasuke. He was right about to beat the living snot out of him when...

slinko decided to get some pudding!

slinko: Damn! I could really use some pudding right now!

Fanfic: noooo! you need to write me!!!

slinko: (goes to get pudding)

fanfic: (cries)

--time passes--

Fanfic: I missed you

slinko: shut up

Anyways, where were we? Ah yes. Kaksaku.

Kakashi and Sakura made out.

The end.


	6. Who are you?

**moop**

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Kakashi was sitting under a tree reading Icha Icha. When Sakura ran over. 

"I'M GONNA UNMASK YOU!!" she yelled.

"noooo!" protested kakashi, but it was to late, the mask was off. Sakuras jaw dropped.

"you! You're the king of spain!"

Kakshi sighed.

"yes." and then a band jumped out from a bush and kakashi began to sing.

_"Once I was the King of Spain! (now I eat humble pie)_

_Oh... my unspeakable wife, Queen Lisa! (now I eat humble pie)_

_I'm telling you I was the King of Spain! (now I eat humble pie)_

_And now I work at the Pizza Pizza!_

_Royalty, lord it looked good on me_

_Buried in silk in the royal boudoir or going nuclear free_

_Or playing Crokinole with the Princess of Monaco_

_Telling my jokes to the OPEC leaders, getting it all on video_

_Once I was the King of Spain (now I eat humble pie)_

_A palatial palace, that was my home (now I eat humble pie)_

_I'm telling you I was the King of Spain (now I eat humble pie)_

_And now I vacuum the turf at SkyDome (once he was the King of Spain)_

_I can't wait, I'm lowering interest rates, my people say:_

_"King, how are you such a genius?_

_There's a roof overhead and food on our plates!"_

_It's laisez-faire, I don't even give a care_

_Let's make Friday part of the weekend_

_And give every new baby chocolate eclair!!!_

_Once I was the King of Spain (now I eat humble pie)_

_Hey Clinton! Hey Yeltsin! Got problems? You phone me! (now I eat humble pie)_

_I'm telling you I was the King of Spain (now I eat humble pie)_

_Now the Leafs call me up to drive the Zamboni (once he was the King of Spain)_

_Now some of you are probably wondering how I cam to be living in Canada_

_after being royalty in Spain. Should I tell them, guys?_

_Tell us, King!_

_You see late one night when the palace was asleep_

_Out of my royal chambers and into the garden I creeped_

_And I wait till the appointed time, when the moon is lighting the pitch_

_At which point my peasant friend, who looks just like me_

_came and we make a switch!!!_

_OOh! _

_Prince and pauper, junior and whopper_

_World made up of silver and copper_

_Out of my own volition, I took a change of position_

_So next time you drool in the pizza line_

_Remember, slower pizza's more luscious_

_The King of Spain never rushes!!!_

_Once I was the King of Spain (now I eat humble)_

_I was looking for off-handed ways to improve us (now I eat humble pie)_

_I'm telling you I was the King of Spain (now I eat humble pie)_

_And now I'm jamming with Moxy Frvous! (once he was the King of Spain)"_

"O rlly?" sakura asked.

"ya rlly." kakashi answered.

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**i need a life.**_  
_


	7. In which slinkos reveiwers get dissed

**when all of a sudden, SLINKO WAS INSPIRED TO RULE THE WORLD WITH HER MAGICAL PLATYPUS! **

** e-hem. On with the chapter!**

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One day, saukra turned to Kakashi. 

"do you love me?" she asked.

"yes." replied kakashi.

"oh...cuz i hate you." said sakura. Kakashi frowned.

"Why do you hate me Sakura?" He pouted.

Sakura poked him on the nose.

"because you read porn." she said. Kakshi laughed.

"You mean Icha Icha? That's not porn!"

"IT'S NOT?!"

"noooo. Silly. It's tom riddles diary!" he exclaimed cheerfully.

And then Kakashi and Sakura had a big laugh about the whole thing. Until of course Naruto pointed out that Tom Riddle kept porn in his diary. Then kakashi got beat up by sakura, but nobody really cared because Kakashi owed them all money. He owes me money y'know. From last weeks poker game. Kakashi's got no poker face whatsoever. You should play him sometime. You'll get rich. Some people say that Tsunade is worse at Poker, but everyone who says that is a doofus.

You're a doofus.

Doofus.

I hate you. Stupid Doofus...No that's redundant. But then again, i can't very well say "smart doofus" because that contradicts itself now doesn't it? I bet you didn't even REALIZE that "smart doofus" contradicts itself.

noob doofus thing! Oh yeah! BURN! BUUUUURN! OOOOH! WHADDA GONNA SAY TA THAT **HUH?!**

Thats' right! NOTHIN'!!! I bet you said nothing because you couldn't think of anything to even SAY.

Just face it. I owned you. I owned you so badly that it should hurt. In fact, you probably feel pyshical pain RIGHT NOW.

HA HA! WIMP!

okay I'm done.


	8. sasusaku?

**This chapter brought to you by searching Sasusaku (ew) on DA while listening to a Kakasaku(yay) amv!

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**

Sasuke walked over to Sakura.

"we're naked sakura" he pointed out. Sakura noticed this.

"So we are Sasuke. So we are"

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**You can take this as either Sasusaku or as Sasuke and Sakura just being idiots. I prefer the latter.**


	9. tradgey

**UR MOMMA WAS A ZOIDBERG

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**

Kakashi ran over to Sakura

Sakura this chapter has no punctuation kakashi said horrified

sakura gasped and looked up at the sentances above her it was true all the punctuation had dissapeared

after a few hours of looking for all the missing punctuation they eventually found it at the bottom of the chapter

they made out

.."",.,.,..

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	10. unfinished

**floop. **

**lol.**

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On the twenty third day of the month of September, In an early year of a decade not to long before our own, Kakashi bought a lawnmower. However, since Kakashi was a lousy shopper, he took Sakura with him to pick the right kind of lawnmower.

Kakashi and Sakura approached the front counter of the lawnmower store. Behind the counter stood Gai Sensei and Rock Lee. Lee was wearing a walrus outfit.

"Hi. We're looking for a good lawnmower. Do you have any reccomendations?" asked Kakashi. Gai smirked.

"Well, we just got this brand new model called the "Omg Chopper 3,000."

**Hey guys. It's me Slinko. The eight year old gay boy who wished you into existence (Planet Unicorn anyone?) and I'm here to say that I don't know how to finish this chapter. So I'm just gonna pull a Cromartie (don't ask) and leave it as it is. **


	11. sasuge

**oh. my._ god._ **

**_I have no inspir_ation**

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Once upon a time there lived a little green piggy named Sasuge Uchiham.

Sasuge enjoyed frolicked through the fields of dandelions and working at his grandfathers gas station.

One day when Sasuge was working behind the counter of said gas station, two gunmen came in and pointed machine guns at him.

"GIVE US ALL THE MONEY IN THE CASH REGISTER!" Shouted the shorter gunman.

Sasuge (being french) surrendered.

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	12. OH NO

**TONIGHT...I AM PLEASE TO ANNOUNCE....A COMEDY!**

**DISCLAIMER: AW CRAP I'M A WATCHMEN FANGIRL.

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**

Once upon a time, Kakashi approached sakura.

"Sakura, dear, I have something to confess to you" he muttered. Sakura looked up at him with big eyes.

"What is it my dear?" she asked. Kakashi sighed and grabbed Sakura's shoulders.

"I think I'm in love with Iruka" he said. Sakura laughed.

"Kakashi, who told you that?" she asked.

"Well...the kakaIru fangirls but.."

"Sensei, you shouldn't beilieve anything fangirls say" Sakura said. Kakashi nodded.

"So....I'm not gay?" he asked. Sakura laughed again.

"Of course not!"

"Oh thank god!"

They made out.

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**I'M A FUCKING SHARK.**


End file.
